Janeane Garofolo is a cunt.

She used to have this "bit" in her "comedy" act. It went like this--she's walking through Washington Square park with a 12-pack of toilet paper, and all the skaters laugh at her. So she retorts "don't you guys ever land anything?" So my friend Sam (who makes all kinds of videos now with Mark Gonzales for Krooked or whatever---sick, sick shit) and I said that if we ever saw her around, we would call her a "cunt." He saw her once, but didn't go through with it.
I thought about this because she has this "bit" on the Henry Rollins Show on the Independent Film Channel. I have no idea now many people watch this show--maybe 5. Maybe 100. But anyway, I try to watch it if it's on when I'm feeding one of the twins. He usually has some interesting shit to say, like the one time he said that F. Scott Fitzgerald would never make it today because he would have to suck up to Oprah. He also usually has interesting guests, like Chris Walken and Steve Buscemi. So in Garofolo's bit, she goes on and on about how she doesn't have email and says all this sarcastic shit in some kind of 19th century voice that is supposed to be funny. Whoa--what a rebel--no email. Sounds like she's still a cunt.
Rollins, as you might suspect, goes on lots of angry rants that show what an intense guy he is. You can tell he's intense because he wears all black. One night, however, he said that "blogs" were fucking stupid because they make every housewife out there feel like what they have to say is important--something to that effect. First of all, Henry, you're assuming that just because a person is a stay-at-home parent that they automatically have nothing interesting or valuable to say. WELL OF COURSE! Nothing could be as interesting as the life of a touring musician, which you complain about in much of your poetry (the majority of which, I am a fan of). That's your job, bro? To travel around the world and sing in a band? That's harsh, bro. Second of all, you have a blog on you own fucking site! And it couldn't be more mundane! It's all shit like "Had a productive day at the studio today. answered some emails." Seriously? I don't get it bro. Are "blogs" cool, or do they suck? This is important stuff here.

ps. Rollins is still decent because he appreciates Thin Lizzy. Any gentleman that appreciates the greatness of Thin Lizzy and Phil Lynott is alright. Kind of like how if you like U2 I automatically hate you, if you like Thin Lizzy there's a 99.99% chance we will get along.

set list for Pantera tribute band.

1. "Domination"
2. "Drag the Waters"
3. "Regular People"
4. "Cemetery Gates"
5. "Broken"

Note: A Pantera tribute band would be difficult to pull off--because of the solos mainly. The last time I went to Sam Ash they had a shit load of Dime guitars--that would be ideal. As much as I love Pantera, and as much as they inform my mindset, I can't think of any more song titles of theirs--maybe that's because I'm drunk.
A Pantera tribute band would be fun as shit though. Fuck it-- I could fake the solos.

Preliminary Set List for Thin Lizzy Tribute Band:

1. "Jailbreak"
2. "Waiting for an Alibi"
3. "Dancing in the Moonlight" (with sax solo by my brother!!)
4. "Cowboy Song" - not my fave....leads real well into the next song tho...
5. "The Boys are Back inTown" def. my least fave Thin Lizzy song. kind of like if you say "Paranoid" is your fave Sabbath song. HOWEVER, if you play in a TL cover band, it's inescapable. That's my least favorite Sabbath song, but Sabbath fucking rules. Think of it like....Carroll and them KNEW they were going to leave World....Ozzy and them KNEW they were...going to do mountains of blow and be in LA? The epicness of early 90s LA/SF and early 70s LA is very relatable. Especially for early 90s nostagia fucks like me and the gentleman that produces bobshirt.com. If you didn't skate on the East Coast from 1995-2000 you can't possibly undersand the ruggedness.

Sam?

the best that ever did it.

I only skated at the same time and place that Keenan Milton was skating once--Astor (of course). He kicked chest-high switch varial heels all night. Like it was his job. A couple years later I ran into him on the Sunset Strip. Let me set this up for you--I had somehow amassed a ton of money so I was like "fuck it--Ima go out to LA and see what that shit is all about." So I did. One night, I was staying at some motel on Labrea or some shit and I decided that this would be my night to PARTY DOWN ON THE SUNSET STRIP. However, I did not have a car. So I walked up there and went to the Lava Lounge, which someone I knew said was cool. Then I walked down to where The Rainbow, Viper Room and all that other shit are. Actually, the Viper Room was on the side opposite the one I was walking down. It scared me.
LA is funny because if you walk down the street, you're literally the only person walking down the street. So I walked past the entrance to some club and Keenan was there, waiting to get in. I knew it was him because he subtlely looked down to check out my shoes--some new e'S Creagers, which had just came out. This was during the time when someone who wore skate shoes probably actually skated. He just kind of subtley looked down as I walked down the Strip, the only person that was walking down it. Then he died on the Fourth of July (my birthday) 2001.
Be careful out there.
A while ago, I was viewing the video NY Revisited 1, which is basically "leftover" RB Umali footage from 95-6. I realized that there are four young gentlemen in that film that left this world way too fucking early (Harold, Mike Cardona, Keenan AKA THE BEST THAT EVER DID IT, and Justin Pierce). That fact is somewhat underrated--i.e. four gentlemen from a scene, any skate scene, left this world too early. That's more than Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, & Hendrix.
Whatevs.
Be careful out there.

THE SUMMER OF STAR WARS

It's the summer. So, I don't have to go to work, but I still get paid. One eats a lot of shit, being a teacher, but that part fucking rocks. I will mostly stay at home and help mywife take care of our four kids. That's right, motherfucker--I have four kids--ALL BOYS. 4, 1, 0 and 0 (twins). Can you think of another white guy under 30 with four kids (besides Federline)? I didn't think so.
So anyway, my four-year-old is way into the presidents, especially Lincoln and his memorial. Recently, he also got WAY into STAR WARS--we watch about one episode a day. So, as you might imagine, I TRIPPED THE FUCK OUT when I saw the Robot Chicken Star Wars special. A couple questions about Star Wars though:
1. who paid the kids' tuition at the Jedi academy--was it subsidized by the Republic? did the parents have to pay? Were there scholarships available? How long was the application? etc etc
2. Yoda keeps alluding to Leia's Jedi powers. Was she supposed to be another Jedi knight?
Whatevs...

hip-hop is dead.

I heard the new Nas song on the satellite radio the other day.
inna-gadda da vida baby!!!!!
Subsequently, I got the urge to listen to "Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida" in it's entirety. Then I got the urge to view the Simpsons episode in which the church organist plays the song and everybody sings along, including holding up candles at the penultimate moment of the organ solo.
"Wait a minute--that sounds like rock and/or roll!!!!"
Then I got the urge to learn the organ solo on guitar. I did not, however, get the urge to listen to the Slayer cover, because it sucks. I love Slayer, though--except for their entire recorded output after 1992.

"I never sleep
'cause sleep is the cousin of death"
-Nasir Jones, 1994

"I'm like a shark; I never sleep--totally wired!!!"
-Rocket from the Crypt, 1998

This is my philosophy. Even if I NEVER SLEPT I still wouldn't be able to do everything I need to do. I remember some interview with Steve Vai where he said he only slept 2 hr a night during the making of Passion and Warfare. The worst part about that would be feeling like one was underwater, moving in slow motion, and being depressed all the time. After sleeping for 2 or 3 hours, the seratonin and dopamine injection one gets from 8 is pretty fucking intense--like a drug, perhaps...

television commentary

I recently started catching up on the Real World Denver via the miracle of On Demand. I only watched about 15 min of the first episode. From what I saw, the one ex-Oakland Raider cheerleader is headed down the trail blazed by Trishelle to Z-list celeb status. She displayed her knowledge of Al Davis propaganda by stating that the Raiders are "the most prestigious franchise in the NFL;" I'm surprised she didn't proclaim her "Commitment to Excellence" thereafter.
Al Davis has to be one of the coolest Jewish guys ever.
Actually, truth be told, I watched it a few weeks ago but I was falling asleep. I drifted in and out of the arms of Morpheus to hear one of the female cast members say something like "...and then I was having sex..." followed by the mandatory "THIS SEASON ON THE REAL WORLD" montage. I'll tell ya, Bunim/Murray Productions has human behavior on lock:
fucking and fighting.
what else is there?